if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
