There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
