I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize