i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
