um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize