so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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