From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
