Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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