I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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