So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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