My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
