Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
