My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
