I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
