I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize