Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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