I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
