I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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