Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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