Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
