I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
