i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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