It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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