Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
