You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
