He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
