I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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