Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
