i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You have to summon your inner elephant
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
