Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
