bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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