You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
