I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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