Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
