We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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