this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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