wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
