last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wanna go halves on a baby?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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