I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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