I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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