I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
