Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
