On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
