I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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