shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
