the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
