It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize