I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
