I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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