So drunk its hurt
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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