apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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