At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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