mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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