Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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