I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
