I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
