my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
