You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize