So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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