Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
