I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
