She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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