Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
