i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
