Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
