I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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