I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize